It is the last day of 2016. What is there to say? I haven’t
written in awhile because something inside of me no longer encouraged me to
share what I was experiencing, and that the experiences became increasingly powerful
and authentic the more I incubated them. Only now I am called to finally tie a
knot in this story and set sail on a new voyage. What that journey looks like,
I know not, and only the strength of my faith joined with the grace of God keeps
me afloat as I smile onward with joy in my heart.
I’ve returned home. If ‘home’ can be defined as the place I left
7 months ago. Do I feel home here? Sure. I felt home everywhere else I’d been
though, too. Only now I am re-discovering old things that I left unused for so
long, and picking them up they feel strange and unfamiliar in my hands. Some
things I am even trying to grasp back onto because I know how much pleasure I
derived from them in the past, only now to be clutching something yet still
empty-handed. It is a funny thing, and I love it, and I am love with the entire
process of reintegrating back into what I had left behind. It is strange to
know that we can find joy no matter what, in any experience, and in those
moments of liberation, a wonderful world opens up because no longer must I
choose to see anything the same way, ever again. I am left in a kind of empty
fullness, a spaciousness so vast that I can only ask for the courage to find
things to put in it when I hear the echo of my own voice reverberating off into
eternity.
Since coming back I have been fortunate enough to spend time
with several close friends and also my immediate family over Christmas. There
is no difference. People always say that when you go away for a time and do a
lot of change them come back, everything is different. I don’t believe that
because my experience says otherwise. Everything is the same in that it is
perpetually undergoing change at the rate
at which it should, and all we are here to do is acknowledge and recognize
that it is all going according to plan. Which is perfect. If we go away and
come back, and we think things are changing, I believe it is because we are
starting to actually see the impermanence
for the first time, usually we become
afraid of how obvious the radical shifts and changes constantly are. Because
then we are reflected back our own impermanence, noticing for the first time
that there is no escape from the moment-to-moment deaths that occur when we
actually embrace our ever-changing self. This is very difficult – it is the
ultimate sacrifice; to give up everything we think we are, every instant that we
become aware of our identifying with what
we believe we are.
If anyone asked me why I’ve come home, or what I’m going to
do now, I would have very certain and specific answers for each. “I was told to”
and “I don’t know.” This doesn’t help anybody, least of all myself. I am still
trying to determine why I knew beyond a doubt that it was time to come home,
which what I mean when I say “I was told.” We are constantly receiving
whisperings from deep within us, and in my journey abroad I learned to trust
those messages. It is obvious to me to feel that there is a higher intelligence
at hand in our Universe and I respect that above all else. So when it came to
me as a flash of pure insight and filled me with energy, the only kind of energy
that you know it is the obvious right answer, I went with it. Yet after
committing to act, the second answer to this riddle is left blank. Which to me,
is perfect – because I have an empty canvas that can be painted however I wish.
Ultimately I know that I am here for three reasons – to give, love, and serve.
What manifestation of those things comes about, I don’t know, I don’t care, and
I love not knowing and not caring because it enables me to fully appreciate
whatever comes and give myself totally to that endeavor.
I didn't think I would be back so soon. In fact, I planned to be gone a lot longer. Potentially forever, even. So, it feels good to be back. Like, really good. Feeling the sun
on my bare skin after months in the winter of cloudy, coastal England can only
be described as getting a massage from photonic fairies. Seriously, it was
nearly orgasmic – and I mean that literally. The sun isn’t the only thing I
missed, and arriving back just reminds of all
the things I’ve missed. See, when we’re gone and we are focused on
appreciating what is in front of us, we don’t have time to think about the things
that were cool back in that other place. Which is why our present moment
awareness is such a gift. But when we return to an old place and take that
present moment awareness there also, we reawaken to its beauty. And damn,
Arizona, you are f#$%ing beautiful.
2016 was a big year. Overwhelmingly, epically, big. And we
only accelerate. At the same time, we slow down. Our progress not a linear
thing, but circular, and our circle only gets bigger with the same speed of
rotation meaning we are covering more distance faster but remaining in the same
spot. Does that make sense? I don’t know if it does – I like it though. Just
like the Universe – a big ellipsis, we are within this as pure consciousness experiencing
itself. Our experience of ‘itself’ is up to us to determine what and how much
of that we make.
Thank you. Sincerely, from all aspects of me and everything
I can muster. My gratitude extends to every being I’ve interacted with through
this past year. I have been truly, incredible blessed and fortunate to have met
so many really amazing people. My heart bursts at the thought of how much love
I’ve received across the globe but also at home in Arizona. I bow to each of
you and that pure light in your heart that has led me to you and you to me and
allowed us to share our beautiful experiences together. We have really made an
amazing leap forward as one and I rely upon your guidance to continue to keep
me in check for 2017. After all – I’m only here for three reasons – to give,
love, and serve. And I cannot do that without you. Thank you all – I love you.
