2016 - Tying the Knot

It is the last day of 2016. What is there to say? I haven’t written in awhile because something inside of me no longer encouraged me to share what I was experiencing, and that the experiences became increasingly powerful and authentic the more I incubated them. Only now I am called to finally tie a knot in this story and set sail on a new voyage. What that journey looks like, I know not, and only the strength of my faith joined with the grace of God keeps me afloat as I smile onward with joy in my heart.

I’ve returned home. If ‘home’ can be defined as the place I left 7 months ago. Do I feel home here? Sure. I felt home everywhere else I’d been though, too. Only now I am re-discovering old things that I left unused for so long, and picking them up they feel strange and unfamiliar in my hands. Some things I am even trying to grasp back onto because I know how much pleasure I derived from them in the past, only now to be clutching something yet still empty-handed. It is a funny thing, and I love it, and I am love with the entire process of reintegrating back into what I had left behind. It is strange to know that we can find joy no matter what, in any experience, and in those moments of liberation, a wonderful world opens up because no longer must I choose to see anything the same way, ever again. I am left in a kind of empty fullness, a spaciousness so vast that I can only ask for the courage to find things to put in it when I hear the echo of my own voice reverberating off into eternity.

Since coming back I have been fortunate enough to spend time with several close friends and also my immediate family over Christmas. There is no difference. People always say that when you go away for a time and do a lot of change them come back, everything is different. I don’t believe that because my experience says otherwise. Everything is the same in that it is perpetually undergoing change at the rate at which it should, and all we are here to do is acknowledge and recognize that it is all going according to plan. Which is perfect. If we go away and come back, and we think things are changing, I believe it is because we are starting to actually see the impermanence for the first time, usually we become afraid of how obvious the radical shifts and changes constantly are. Because then we are reflected back our own impermanence, noticing for the first time that there is no escape from the moment-to-moment deaths that occur when we actually embrace our ever-changing self. This is very difficult – it is the ultimate sacrifice; to give up everything we think we are, every instant that we become aware of our identifying with what we believe we are.

If anyone asked me why I’ve come home, or what I’m going to do now, I would have very certain and specific answers for each. “I was told to” and “I don’t know.” This doesn’t help anybody, least of all myself. I am still trying to determine why I knew beyond a doubt that it was time to come home, which what I mean when I say “I was told.” We are constantly receiving whisperings from deep within us, and in my journey abroad I learned to trust those messages. It is obvious to me to feel that there is a higher intelligence at hand in our Universe and I respect that above all else. So when it came to me as a flash of pure insight and filled me with energy, the only kind of energy that you know it is the obvious right answer, I went with it. Yet after committing to act, the second answer to this riddle is left blank. Which to me, is perfect – because I have an empty canvas that can be painted however I wish. Ultimately I know that I am here for three reasons – to give, love, and serve. What manifestation of those things comes about, I don’t know, I don’t care, and I love not knowing and not caring because it enables me to fully appreciate whatever comes and give myself totally to that endeavor. 

I didn't think I would be back so soon. In fact, I planned to be gone a lot longer. Potentially forever, even. So, it feels good to be back. Like, really good. Feeling the sun on my bare skin after months in the winter of cloudy, coastal England can only be described as getting a massage from photonic fairies. Seriously, it was nearly orgasmic – and I mean that literally. The sun isn’t the only thing I missed, and arriving back just reminds of all the things I’ve missed. See, when we’re gone and we are focused on appreciating what is in front of us, we don’t have time to think about the things that were cool back in that other place. Which is why our present moment awareness is such a gift. But when we return to an old place and take that present moment awareness there also, we reawaken to its beauty. And damn, Arizona, you are f#$%ing beautiful.

2016 was a big year. Overwhelmingly, epically, big. And we only accelerate. At the same time, we slow down. Our progress not a linear thing, but circular, and our circle only gets bigger with the same speed of rotation meaning we are covering more distance faster but remaining in the same spot. Does that make sense? I don’t know if it does – I like it though. Just like the Universe – a big ellipsis, we are within this as pure consciousness experiencing itself. Our experience of ‘itself’ is up to us to determine what and how much of that we make.

Thank you. Sincerely, from all aspects of me and everything I can muster. My gratitude extends to every being I’ve interacted with through this past year. I have been truly, incredible blessed and fortunate to have met so many really amazing people. My heart bursts at the thought of how much love I’ve received across the globe but also at home in Arizona. I bow to each of you and that pure light in your heart that has led me to you and you to me and allowed us to share our beautiful experiences together. We have really made an amazing leap forward as one and I rely upon your guidance to continue to keep me in check for 2017. After all – I’m only here for three reasons – to give, love, and serve. And I cannot do that without you. Thank you all – I love you.